Thursday, April 30, 2015

I'm sorry I'm not sorry

I’m sorry I never believed you when you said I was too good for you

You see I thought you were those modest,” I don’t deserve a good “thing kinda guys

I was ready to slay the dragons of the past lies that you ex’s had made you accept

I wanted to love away the insecurities and fears you carried

I wanted to show you that you deserved a good, wholesome and deep love

I was ready to fight the demons on your behalf and suffer it all so I could prove them wrong

I’m sorry but you were right – I was and still am too good of a woman for you

I wanted to save you ...


I’m sorry I lied to you and made you believe that we had a chance at forever after

We stood a snow ball’s chance in hell

There was no way we were ever going to work because you see you had so little to give

Not financially no the bank cards you flashed around where proof or your success

As were the cars and things you owned – you worked hard for it that’s a fact

But emotionally your balance was at -$0.00

You don’t understand the simplicities of affection, you want to take and take and take and never give

You have this infinite belief that you are owed love and will go to lengths to get it

The day I locked myself in the bathroom to try and get you to understand that a no is a no

Is the day I knew we were doomed, that is the day I should have walked away

But I took a risk and honestly the snowball lasted longer than I anticipated

I’m sorry but you and me should never have ever been

This dream was never meant for us ....

I’m sorry but when we met I had a selfish thought that blossomed when you refused to take no for an answer

Your persistence was admirable and you made me feel needed and wanted

You see you are the rebound guy; the one that got me over the real guy

You met me at my “hell hath no fury “stage and even when I said no

You told me you knew we had to be

So I took your calls, I went to dinner, I received the flowers and gifts and I healed

I became immune to the anger and pain of the past because you where the distraction

You made me laugh, you made me dread picking up the phone to hear how much you missed me

I’m sorry but this script was warped from the beginning because you were simply the rebound guy

I’m sorry I said I loved you because the truth is I didn’t

I wanted to possess you and own you and show you off like a trophy

I wanted to have you as my safety blanket against the past that would wreck havoc in my empty heart

I often found myself wondering if someone else came along would I not leave

I found myself realizing that I cared about you, was concerned about you but never loved you

I found reasons to solidify the moments I would lose my temper

I didn’t care if I hurt you and it became our thing; hurting each other

But somehow still drawn to being together

This was the reality, the disillusion, we were picture perfect

I should have left sooner, I should have told you the day you said you loved me

I’m sorry but I don’t think I can or ever will love you
We both knew I didn't love you


You know me and you work better as friends

You learn from me and I from you

We are comfortable in each other’s presence  

We could probably sit naked and drink wine and watch TV and be totally normal

I look at you now as you kneel before me

Telling me we can try again, telling me it’s my stubbornness that you love

Telling me that no other woman could be what I was and am to you

Telling me of the world we could build

Telling me that in the quiet spaces you realize that you do need me

A woman that challenges you, a woman that demands of you, a woman that consoles you

A woman that grows with you, a woman that is open to your spontaneous side

A woman that is not fazed by your money, cars or wealth

A woman that could build an empire with you

You tell me I am that woman


Let go of this dream


I’m sorry but I can’t let myself say YES  and let it be the start of a life we will both regret

I’m sorry the rebound run became more

I’m sorry I made you believe I loved you

I’m sorry but NO I won’t accept what you are offering

I’m sorry it took me this long to say this

I’m sorry I’m not sorry to not be a part of your life

I'm sorry I don't miss you as I should

I'm sorry I don't feel rage at the thought of you lying with another woman
I'm sorry

I’m not the woman for you and I’m not sorry
I don't think I'm sorry

Friday, April 17, 2015

Call me Runaway

I am a master at running away, cutting ties in a spilt second without a thought

I have used this ability to get through heartbreaks and disappointments

At the back of my mind is a simple escape route that can be implemented in any situation

The need is for it to protect my sanity, my emotions and my life

It’s fuelled by fear and my flight senses overtake my fight senses

So yes I have become a master at deleting anyone’s presence from my life I feel does not serve me

The moment I feel emotions rising to the surface, heart racing and goose bumps I know

It’s time to escape
Ask me I'm a Master at this ...


Unlike most who feel giddy and overwhelmed when relations start I don’t

I am at my calmest, I am at my clearest mind set, and I am at peace

The master escape artist rises to the fore when there is need for confrontation

When discoveries are made that should not be made

When perceptions are shattered

When disappointment begins

Then the escape must be done to protect me and me alone
Sorry boo but I kinda look out for me ...


Fuelled by past experiences the moment the hairs at the back of my head stand

The moment every action is questioned

The moment I cannot accept every word as a truth

The moment I realize that I have been lied to

The moment it all comes tumbling down

My first instinct is to flee, as fast as I can

Amputate and erase you from my existence

White wash my mind, body and soul and almost act like you have dropped off the face of the planet

I literally act like you are dead, one day here and the next gone
I need to protect me so I run


Most of my friends admire this trait in me – amputation mode they call it

They know the moment I say certain words it’s over for the other party whether they know it or not

They think I am brave and strong and in control

Alas I am a coward fuelled by fear

I can face any crisis, any project disaster, and physical turmoil

But never ask me to come face to face with my emotions

They why’s and how’s and could have been’s are not a part of my vocabulary

I give up the moment I sense an impending emotional earthquake

I give up and run, fast as my feet can carry me and bury my emotions

I don’t go through the grief, acceptance etc. etc.

No! I Delete, amputate, block, erase and move on

Today I realized I’m flawed and addressing these feelings – the grief etc. is part of growing

But I choose to be a coward no more
It's time to get moving


Recipients of the master escape route, include an ex-boyfriend who I called it quits with a year or so ago

I’m not the “let’s fight about it girlfriend “

I will address an issues twice, if at any point I lose my temper after addressing it – it’s done

I hate having another person push me from my normal self and make me become something I can’t identify

I hate it when I realize that feelings or emotions are not being reciprocated

Why waste time? It’s time to move on.

After a few months of trying to make it work, he lost his temper when we were on our way to a date

I’m not the most patient woman (working on it daily) but 2 hours late for me is you walking into a raging bull

He said I was petty, too stubborn and too critical on his time keeping skills

I silently received this critic then something in me snapped – he was late

We drove up to a stop sign and as the car idled, I opened the door, got out and told him it was over

At 7pm, in my date night dress and heels, I ended it

He followed me for about 5 minutes and tried to convince me to get back into the car

I refused and with each step I strategized the escape route

Two days later I decided it was time to bite the bullet and move back home

He was travelling to Germany on business, we were talking but not ok

He promised we would sort issues out when he returned in 2 weeks I agreed

So in my head I had 2 weeks to plan my exit

In 2 weeks I sold all my stuff, got my deposit  back on my apartment and on the day he landed

I moved into a hotel and confirmed my one way ticket back home

I deleted his number and blocked him on all social media platforms

He was dead, I was safe and gone
I ran away from him


Am I heartless? No

Am I cruel and cold?  No

Am I a coward? Yes

Am I selfish? To an extent yes

I believe in self-preservation and keeping my heart safe

Some ask what if he was meant to be the love of your life

I shrug - then our paths will meet again

Today after walking down a path I didn’t want to and had promised myself I wouldn’t

I realised in my flawed and damaged way I need something Higher than me to preserve me

To heal me, to calm my flighty spirit and remove the fear

I need to learn to stand and fight

I need to stop planning exit routes and sink my roots in

I need to stop anticipating the end before it appears

I don’t plan to be the run-away bride

I’m just a reformed master at running away trying to find the power to stay
I'm tired of running .... give me a reason to stay

Thursday, November 20, 2014

I think I just found me

I think I just found me …

This all began when I tweeted ,” Trust me honey even if I came with an instruction manual you wouldn’t be able to handle me …”.That just cracked open the reality that I think I finally love who I am.
Well aren't you a pretty young thing ...

When people go on and on about finding yourself it always evoked questions in me about how I could ever be lost in the first place. I often wondered how losing yourself would be done but I misunderstood because as the I moved from a teenager to a young woman then into my mid 20’s and now in my late 20’s I constantly lost bits and pieces of myself and I never knew it.

In my teens I lost a huge part of myself when I wondered why I did not look like other girls. The slim and trim ones who in my eyes always look prettier. I began the journey to self-hate because I was always reminded by my aunts that I was fat and big. The way it was often said made me think it was my fault and I had done something to deserve this curse. So I worried, I covered, I denied my body and did not embrace becoming a woman. My personality has never faded, it sparkled because I realized if I did not have the body heck I had something else to offer. While I adapted and dated; I realized that this thing I did not like was a beacon that summoned and beckoned men of all ages to show interest. It was funny and full of giggles when it was boys my age but suddenly these lecherous old men would cast their eyes at me and I hated it even more. I will never forget the day I was walking home around 6pm and this middle aged man stopped to give me a lift, I refused and continued on my way. I remember him shouting, “If I ever see you walking alone I will catch you and rape you “. I ran as fast as my chubby legs could carry me and in my head I vowed that I would cover everything up because this body was becoming a threat to my life. At 14 I lost the love for my body.

My wit took over and I hid my body

Life happens and when other girls flaunted their bodies I flaunted my wit and charm. I remember not being able to accept compliments. I became a very practical young lady. I was not the one to be called pretty or beautiful or hot .I was not the one to cause boys to whistle and speak of my gorgeous figure. No I become the one who entertained , who sang , who was never shy to compete but all this in a vessel I treated simply as that ; a vessel. When I began to date I realized that I wasn’t bad looking ; of course I would never be gorgeous but I had something . I bloomed and became curvier and distinctly  began to protect my body from prying eyes and wondering hands .You could never “steal” a quick feel of my toosh or boobs .I was too fast , I had a sixth sense that got me far from situations that heralded such behaviour. It’s amazing that I dated and enjoyed it and slipped into womanhood insecure but with a sterling personality.

My 20’s where the years of discovery and growth. I realized that this vessel I hated could be shrunk hence I began to diet. It worked and it failed. My body became my greatest enemy. As I learnt how to enhance my looks I began to realize that a push here and a suck in there could create an appealing shape .Dating continued and in the men I met I can confidently say I needed affirmation about my looks. The need to be affirmed would often mingle with insecurity and I often think I was a miserable girlfriend. Building confidence was easy for me except when it mattered. I dated men who I came to learn liked curvier girls, it was hard to believe that in a room of size 10’s they would pick me any day. However affirmation from a person is never enough, if you cannot begin to accept what you see in the mirror no one can convince you otherwise.

This is who I am ...convince yourself

It took a lot to embrace me and begin to find and discover who physically I had become. Emotionally, mentally and spiritually I was very clear of what defined me. Physically I had never looked at myself and liked what I saw. I began to see what others had said about me.My young sister pointed out my freckles and how they gave my face character as well as my disappearing dimple that only appeared when I smiled in a certain way. One ex-boyfriend point out how my lips are two toned; he called them chocolate and strawberry centred (clearly this got him a lot of kisses rest assured). Another pointed out how my hips brought life as he called into the clothes I wore and how it perfectly balanced out my waist. He went on to point out how ridiculous I would look if I had been a size 30A bust size and how toddlers loved my hugs and cuddles. Recently while exercising with my cousin and groaning in agony during squats she pointed out how my derriere was quite good looking. We laughed and giggled about it and trust me later I went and stood in front of the mirror to try and understand what she meant. In their eyes I saw myself after a very long time.
I now see what you see ... with a lil bit of spice

What no one knows is that I found myself in quiet spaces, the stretch marks that appear and disappear depending on how much weight I have gained or lost. The tummy that I do believe has a life of its own that gives up at the end of a long day of being in spanx. The little mole on my neck that no one knows about except those that get that close to me. My scar on my thigh that is smooth and shiny and shows when I had my near death experience – that’s another scar you need to know me to see. My three beauty spots on my right hand. I have begun to fall in love with the little secrets about me no one else will know unless they see me in my most natural state.

#Unbothered : belly , lumps and bumps

Today I sat down with a very good friend of mine and he said,” In the past few weeks you have become cockier “. I laughed and told him ,”’ In the past few weeks I have come to realize that I am ok (puzzled look) , I like who I am , I like my body , I like how my confidence is not a cover for what my body is not but it’s about me; the woman I have become. I like how now I know I need no validation about my stretch marks or my sometimes bloated tummy. I like how when I walk I left my body talk and not try to cower and tone down my shape. I actually just genuinely like me.” I wish I could say it took a journey of self-discovery in the mountains of Tibet; it didn’t. All it took was me really looking at myself and being ok with what I was seeing. I can finally say I like what I see not what he sees but what I see every day.  Not cocky but suddenly pleasantly pleased with who I am.

I like what I now see...

I often advocate for curvier women to love themselves and love who they are and dress the part. What many forget is that as a curvy woman I am selling that gospel to myself, I am speaking to the woman I was before and who often tries to rear her head and remind me of my own imperfections. I need to deliver the gospel to myself everyday so I continue to love myself, enjoy myself and not look away at my nakedness. I found myself in the pages of plus size blogs, the eyes of loved ones and the moment I realized I am ok. I’m not competing, not in a race to become someone else but simply going through life for myself. I just think I found myself ….
Well that took me long enough ....



Thursday, October 9, 2014

Why I Blog .....

I blog because I can because like most people I have a lot to say but I often think that the stuff I have to say does not make sense if I say it but would make sense if I wrote it down.

I blog because when I go through these blog posts in my head they make so much sense and I get annoyed when it all evaporates and there is no evidence of the brilliant thought I had.

I blog because it's a promise I made my unborn baby girls , to keep a journal or log of my life as a young woman , for them to one day read and realize that their polished all together gorgeous Mummy (me)  didn't have it all together at one point but figured it out.

I blog so that maybe the struggles I go through and the solutions I devise can one day help someone , so that some girl somewhere who thinks she is the only one facing the biggest problem of her life laughs and realizes that there is a whole lot of us facing the same thing.

I blog so I can find my voice be it in anger , love , heartbreak , happiness or witty moments. I try to capture a moment and feeling in words and give it life so I can go back to it and re live it even the sad times.

I blog so I can remind myself how much I have grown , how much I have changed and how even at my lowest point I found a way out , I found growth and can smile and realize that life is such an adventure.

I blog to find out who I am , it's hard to carve out your identity in the world and boldly declare this is me , in the moments of uncertainty I have found my blog reminds me of how goofy , silly , melodramatic and an all around ok person I actually am.

I blog so I can vent against injustice , death and pain so that when the tears stop I have a word from what I have learnt and what it means to walk through a desert and find water

I blog because I was very good in English at school and I always have a weird way of putting words together and writing it quickly and easily without a lot of effort or thought. I like writing.

I blog because I never had the patience to write a novel not that I did not try but short little pieces appeal to me , they are easier and once I have written on it I can publish it online and move on.

I blog because at one point I wanted to be like the deep , thoughtful , strong bloggers that write of deep things that make you think but then I realized I am a little more carefree ,willing to share my great and not so great moments and willing to embrace life and all it's hills and mountains. I do love the deep thought bloggers but I can never be them I'm the frivolous girl next door , with the robe and hair in curlers at 3pm , sipping on some tea / wine (dependent on the glass available ) , in a clean house always willing to give you a hug and tell you about my weird and wacky life.

I blog because I feel no pressure to produce a weekly post (I once tried that and failed ) , I write when it hits me or when something "dramatic" happens in my life I want to share it in this space .

I blog because when I write I have a voice , it's loud , dramatic and often bursts out with laughter. It reprimands itself often (as you often see my scathing blogs always have an apologetic note towards the end ) .

I blog because this is my happy place , my space , my abode and my come with no shoes and sink your feet into the thick soft carpet or cool grass or gorgeous Olympic size swimming pool. It's my space , my struggles , my wins , my fails, my joys and my triumphs .

I blog because the name Chimoko is all about me's my world

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

We are all monsters

I don’t think any of us ever set out to be horrible or mean or just plain unlikeable. We are products of a dictated environment and from this we simply become who we are. I speak of relationships often because I am at that point in my life when I question them, endorse them, ponder on them and study them. What is this fascination with co habitation that eats at our core existence and leaves us wanting if we are not subscribed to its existence? Anyone will tell you it’s a jungle out there but in between everything it’s like a never ending Hunger Games movie.

I feel like a character in the movie Hunger Games

The relationship status of today is almost something that is a success symbol and something to be flaunted. At a certain age it means you have achieved the ultimate step and status. In my head it means out of the billions and billions people on earth you have managed to convince this one person that them spending a proposed eternity with you is not a prolonged sentence of torture. In our modern navigation of social existence it means you have gained the golden pass to splash as many pictures, messages and tweets about your beloved. This celebration of your happy co-existence with this human being becomes a phenomenon that must be shared with the world (willingly and unwillingly). The more adventurous pairs venture into vlogging , YouTube channels and sex tapes. It’s all in the celebration of the existence of the couple. Every little and big thing they do must be celebrated in public because this amazingly  romantic and fantastic human being has chosen to share themselves with you and you such a lucky human being aren’t you ?

Welcome to love in the era of social media

So like little children in the pre-school playground we flaunt how amazing life has become for us and in a mine is bigger than yours we show off this amazing life. One post I came across even declared that getting married was a feat very few understood how important and hard it was to achieve. The poster implored others to realize that this great feat equalled nothing else and those not yet blessed to be part of this experience must seek a time of prayer so that they may be smiled on by the Powers that Be to achieve such a status change. How life changes doesn’t it? *smirk*

Sarcasm and melodrama aside being part of a duo that has this bond is a beautiful thing but maybe we are out to blow our own ships. Every time we venture out into the relationship sea we are almost on alert for everything that is wrong with that person and will give us a reason to jump ship. We sit and debate with those close to us why this person would be interested in us, why they would be so nice and what their hidden agenda is. We debate and propose agendas and then wait for them to be fulfilled.  It’s like we strap up the boat with explosives and patiently sit while holding the detonator. In the midst of the goodness and the newness of it those little voices in our heads sing out in a chorus that ever ends ,” You will see it soon why this person will not be perfect for you”. Almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy this other person begins to show the exact behaviour you have been anticipating that will give you enough ammunition to jump ship. I will propose a few theories:

·         A guy that is stingy , spent money on in a relationship ad was not appreciated for it
·         A girl that is not submissive once gave it her all and got nothing back
·         A girl that refuses to share any form of intimacy has shared intimacy and felt used and refuses to put herself in that vulnerable state
·         A guy who is not expressive in his love once did so and was ridiculed for it

This could be us but who is going to blow up the boat first ? ....

On your “ Get the Hell Out List  “ you begin to tick all of them off while being blind to all the other good things so that when finally you wake up in an irritable mood you push down the explode button , kabooom  it’s all over (in most cases even before it has begun). Walking away from the debris you loudly call you comrades and declare,” I told you this was never going to go anywhere “. We anticipated disaster and are shocked when disaster presents itself .We stereotype behaviour and appearances concluding that because they are like this; this is how they will behave. Alas we forget in the debris there is a crushed heart and rejected spirit that just swore to never become as vulnerable and as open as they were with you.

So even though there are so many amazing single people we seem to be going around in circles because even as we have defined what we want and what attracts us we are all after the same thing; happiness and that one person who does not think you are crazy and who can pull off eternity with you .The vicious cycle is we have all blown our ships, we have all become meaner, non-committal, pessimistic, unconventional and are all angry little soliders in a battle field. We are all fighting the same war but spending too much time shooting at each other. When we do attempt to dance with fate we hold back and we whisper to ourselves little promises such as:

  • ·         I don’t want to show that I care more
  • ·         If they don’t call me I won’t call them
  • ·         I don’t want to say I love you first
  • ·         I don’t want to be the one that falls first

In an almost childish and weird way we almost hurt the other person but care for them but don’t want to show that we do. So we will stalk their whatsapp line, their Twitter handle and their Facebook page. We will put in all the effort to on the flip side act like we don’t care. Like children in the playground we are back to square one .It’s rather sad.

Back to pre school we go

When all we really want to do is love and be vulnerable and open we become creatures that fear and cower away from the prospect of attempting relationships but putting on facades that we don’t give a hoot. Out of this the extremes are born – the girls that don’t care if a man has a woman but will find a way to enter the picture even if they are the other woman .The men that will date one girl for a very long time and never commit because commitment once made them pay the price. We are all scared vulnerable people who don’t have it in us to give up the fight and be with another person. One person you can wipe away the theatrics with and tell them the things that no one knows like how you think you are not pretty enough or how you want to be successful at all costs and the fear of failure scare you.  So we have made it up in our minds that being alone is not such a bad thing.

Alone isn't so bad is it ?...

So as I mused in the early hours of this morning I realized we have become products of the environment we have found ourselves in. The environment has asked us to be tough and strong and shoot before you are shot. An environment that was inevitable but I wonder if dating was even necessary. We ventured in eager with expectations and ideas of what relationships would be but where never ready for the reality that trumped our Mills and Boon fantasy.  We are now wounded savages out to outsmart, out hurt and walk away unscarred from relationships. Knowing that with each day that passes the thought of a blind date , the questions ,”What is your favourite colour ?” etc has just become too much and you don’t want to be sitting in that boat with your explosives ready. You want to paddle into the sunset and giggle and laugh while looking at your phone. You want to read veiled social media messages they post that you know are talking about you. You want that and you want it all.

You know you want this ....

Some of us try too hard to be mean and to blow up ships. We try so often that in the midst of playing the game you wake up and pieces of yourself are missing .Some blown away and some just filed away. We revel in telling friends,” I told you so “. We set up zones and drop people in friend zones, sister zones and brother zones.  We are perpetual flirts that string along an unsuspecting victim until we are tired and drop them. We are guilty because we have become callous, uncaring, mean and unforgiving. We have become monsters that carry scars and ask for others to pay for the damage. I often believe that GOD looks down on us and shakes HIS head and wonders why we are so amazingly intelligent but incredibly silly on the least of tasks.

Cheers to those that have found their significant other. Don’t listen to the pessimists that convince you it’s going to be horrific before it gets any better. Don’t listen to their horror stories they wish you could also endure. Hug your person and relish every moment. Be outlandish with your love. Be vulgar with your love. Be extravagant with your love. Remind them daily that they hold the crown

Give them the crown ...

To those that still have their ships docked – be nice. Don’t waste someone’s time. Don’t flirt endlessly for your benefit alone. Don’t blow up your boat, ask them to get off before you add more damage.  Believe it or not we have all loved and been hurt but the magic is in letting it go and never letting anyone else pay the price.

We are all alike .Fascinated with the phenomenon of eternal co habitation. Monsters yearning for someone to hug all the ugly out of us and see us who for we really are. Welcome to the jungle …..

It's a jungle out here

I am forever fascinated by the creatures we have become.