I'm taking a break

I think I will take a break

Just stop doing and trying and focus my energy on something

All this emotional draining and trying is sapping me of my energy

It all seems a little too hard and I’m just about to log out

Seriously being a second wife to a 40 year old man looks promising

I’m tired of trying to be “Perfect Polly “set in her ways

I have gusto, firebrand and boundless energy locked up inside me

I’m not perfect and docile and willing to please

I have a thousand ideas pumping through me

I have thoughts that I sometimes cannot voice well

I’m not bashing everything and calling it quits I’m just saying I’m tired

I want a change of emotional scenery

I want a change from the picture that is on the wall inside my heart

I’m tired of jumping hoops and near heart attack misses

No I’m done!!!

To hell with it all because I am pulling the plug and asking for a break

I don’t want to be in this place all over again

I hate the near misses and what if and maybes

So I’m taking a breaking

Because in the midst of being tossed to and fro

Even I have no clue what it is I want

Call it what you will

Quitting or giving up

I’m taking a break

 

 

Echoes from voices in the past….

Do you hear the voice I hear ? ....

 

I often wonder if I ask for too much, if I levitate between needy and childish

If in all honesty the words echoed are true, “Your problem is you ask for too much”

These words always seem to echo and replay themselves at the most random of times

Then whip around me in whispers and leave my heart cold and me alone

They speak of unreasonable expectations and unworthy of love.

They corner me and pull up a list of why and how I do not deserve what I want

You see it’s easy to heal but the scars remain and they itch sometimes

They have you remembering what it felt like being hurt

They pull you from the present and present you smack bang to the times those words where said

 

How could it still hurt after so long ? ....

 

Maybe I’m trying to paint the sun green and cover the shine

Maybe I’m trying to turn something into what it isn’t

Maybe I’m too desperate for what is non existant

Maybe I will forever ask for what I cannot have

So I am sitting here pondering, wondering and analysing

Wishing I could run away from myself and my heart

Starve my heart from all it’s desires , starve it from what it needs

Until it knows that it cannot always have what it wants

Then I will continue on the path I have carved out for me, myself and I

Maybe I’m part of that group that is meant to be alone

To allow us to serve our purpose , undeterred by all the distractions that come with relationships

 

Maybe I'm better off alone ....


 

I seem to forever be doomed to wake up realizing that no this cannot be it

I cannot be in this place of pulling my collar up and giving up so soon

Then I remember the circle and the cycle and how it all always spirals back to this point

The point I choose to fight or let go , the moment I just cannot sacrifice myself anymore

The moment that I let go

I’ve been here before, heart bruised, all good intention thrown away, all passion drained

Coming full circle that this is me , myself and I and I guess I need to protect the me that I am

Pull the shutters, close the doors, lock me up and let me lean against the door

Lean and close out everything, lean against it with angry tears and just be me

I think I can finally and firmly ask without hesitation as I fight the tears

“Am I better off alone?” ….

 

Is this to be the story of my life ? .....

 

*Dedicated to all those women tired of trying, tired of being the best , tired of being the one with open arms , tired of always being there , always willing , always putting him first. Don’t stop believing that you deserve the love you seek and let the echoes from the past fade.

Lessons for my Daugthers ....

Blessed with little else than the lessons I have learnt
I will teach my daugthers the lessons that have
Defined me and made me the woman that will birth them
I will simply teach

Pure in spirit but a wiser heart ...

I will teach my daugthers to be wiser and choose carefully who and how they love

Broken and full of fear in order to love is not love

To have the eyes of their hearts open to allow them to one day see

The right not perfect but when the right soul arrives

Letting go of thoughts of the past but walk ahead

Baring no thought to the past and embrace the start of something new

 

 

 

Proudly born an African ....

 

 

I will teach my daughters to be proud African women to embrace their Africaness

To celebrate their rich African heritage the best way they choose to do so

If it's wearing their hair natural  or studying African art

They will grow up solidly embracing that they carry the beauty of Africa within them

That they are born into a generation that is in love with African potential

That as their faces kiss the African sun , they are etched with African pride

That Africa is within them , in their hearts, their voices and their beliefs

 

 

 

The beauty of friendship .....

 

I will teach my daughters about the beauty of friendship

That during the journey through life there are people they will meet who will be there always

Teach them how  to learn and grow without conforming

Teach them how to be in a group but never lose their identity

How beautiful genuine and true friends can be

How they will always be woven into the folds and cloth of your life

No matter the distance or the space in between them

 

 

Laugh a little ...till your cheeks hurt

 

I will teach my daugthers to laugh , laugh from the pits of their bellies

Laugh until tears trickle down their cheeks and they cannot speak

Laugh until they can hardly speak and their cheeks hurt

To be able sometimes in the midst of chaos to laugh and calm their nerves
To laugh alone at the memory of a good time gone by

To laugh out of  joy as each day begins

To laugh because it chases the tears away

 

 

A bed is not the answer to any empty heart

 

 

I will teach my daughters that no price can ever pay for their bodies

That many a man will come their way offering a price of the gold they carry

In a bid to woo and entice they will go to great lenghts to be the one that wins the prize

Gifts , sweet words with promises of forever to cunning tricks

How in the blink of an eye their most prized possession can become nothing

How a few minutes of anticipated pleasure can become a lifetime of regret

How it's always better the wait than the perilous jump off an unkown cliff

How easy it will be to get caught up in the cycle of jumping beds and left

With nothing inside you

 

 

A woman after GOD's heart ....yes

 

 

I will teach my daugthers to pray

To seek guidance from the one force higher than any common sense I might ever have

To hunger for GODs presence and seek after HIS face

To start each day with a blessing on their lips and a song in their hearts

To be thankful for the blessings they understand and do not understand

That when days seem like they will be dark forever there is a breaking of a new day

Teach them that when all else fails and there are no answers - there is GOD

 

Just call her a rebel

 

I will teach my daughters to be rebels with a cause

To break the chains that have forced society to conform and fall in line

I want them to question why ? Defy the odds and dig for answers

I want to teach them to be true to their dreams and passions

Even if it means defending them to me

To speak out against injustice and desire to change the world

To not blame the world for anything but rise up to be the answer

 

The beauty of the perfect shoe .....

 

I will teach my daugthers that the perfect shoe is a weapon for confidence

That it's not the cost of the shoe or the shop that you pick the shoe in

It's the moment that transforms you from being "that" girl to "the" girl

The moment the perfect shoe , meets the perfect dress and it becomes a symphony

The moment you feel your spirits lift and sway your hips

The moment you feel like you are walking on a runaway

The perfect shoe will turn any dull day around , it can do that

 

 

Dance to the beat inside you ....

 

I will teach my daugthers to dance to the rhytm of their own drum

To find the tune inside them and move fluidly to it without a thought

To stand in a room full of people and dance as if they are alone

To be true to themselves and their song

To let the music lift them and allow them to paint a picture with their dance

To come full circle in knowing that just their beat counts

Not to try and dance to anothers tune but to hold true to their beat

And dance like no one is watching

To dance in the confidence of the person they are becoming

To dance in full bloom

 

Just a woman ...trying her best

 

I will teach my daugthers that I am only human

Human with flaws and faults and that we may often clash

That there will be days they will not want to talk to me

Days when they will swear I am their worst enemy

I want them to know that I am human and I love them fiercely

That there is very little I will not do for them

That as they grow my words will make sense and for every day

They hate me , they must know I only set out to be

A good mother and a good, strong , Black woman

That as they live and prosper and become all they have set out to be

I will cheer them on , wipe away tears and hold them close

Whispering that we are only women with a passion that burns inside us

That one day they too will pass on  their own lessons to their daugthers .....

 

 

 

The next Chapter

Sometimes you go through the paces. Doing what you think you should be doing, convicted that this is what you should be doing. Resigned and conforming to society cravings and wanting what everyone else wants because well it’s normal. Then you wake up one day and it’s not enough , it’s not soothing and satisfying , you are like a little boat tossed back and forth on a restless sea of reasoning that this is not enough , this cannot be what life is all about , this cannot be all the purpose in you spent. Then you begin to look for answers then it hits you – it’s time to go onto the next chapter. It's time to pack your bags and move on.

 

Pack me and my bags

 

It never made sense to me how you can have everything and still be unfulfilled, empty and restless. I envisioned my life ; at this stage ; a very content and satisfied life. However I feel like a restless teenager waking up to a new world I never knew existed. A world demanding I step up and do something about all the things I don’t like about it. It’s daunting because when you do think of the world it’s huge and there are so many issues and problems that need attention .How do you then differentiate what is important and critical and where does your life fit in while you try to save the world? And all the cool names Super Woman and Wonder Woman had been taken what would I even call myself on this quest?

 

Afro -Superwoman ?!?

 

The thing is even without a name or cause I still stood convicted that I was an answer to some problem. Then Pearls, Heels n Dreams was born and it’s grown, evolved and touched lives through passion and hard work. I thought well here is my deed to humanity done but it’s amazing once you start to do , you hunger to do more grows. It’s almost as if you see the world differently and now you see and think of solutions on a daily basis. It stirs you, motivates you and opens you up to an alternate universe of Dreamers. It’s like a closet community of the whacky, crazy, passionate people that want to change the world, where no idea is too big or too small, where they cheer you on and lift you past the finishing line.

 

You begin to be concerned with every child that goes to bed on an empty stomach, the abused and trampled, the ones that have lost hope in life, the ones that have been short changed and are ready to give up. You begin to want to be the encourager, the up lifter and the world changer. You find your purpose and are no longer comfortable with existing but are hungry to live, to change a perception, to make a way and birth all that is inside of you. You want to overcome the odds and pull the rest of the world with you. 

 

What more could be a better and higher calling in life ?

 

 

It’s only those that have become alive that become passionate and see the world with you. Not everyone will get it or understand it .You are brave , set apart and have stepped into a world where purpose outweighs prominence , where fortune and fame are not at the top of the list and where you are obsessed with purpose and fulfilling all that you are called to be. So you make decisions people will not understand and as the sea calms you begin to control your boat and begin to feel a complete sense of fulfilled purpose. You begin to grow from the inside out .

 

Never thought you'd smile again!

I read these words across my screen during a Skype conversation with an amazing young woman with so much talent , who chooses to call me her older sister. I felt goose bumps and a little teary-eyed. I realized at that moment that I was well on my way down the road of healing and forgiveness.


Sometimes life presents to us what we label our “Fairytale “.We write out the script and by some per chance naïve childlike innocence we expect and demand life to play out exactly as per our script. In my script by now I would be engaged and wrapped up in the throes of an impending nuptial. I am nowhere close to this but I am living in the cusp of the most amazing and fulfilling period of my life: DREAM CHASING. Living my passion ,growing it into a tangible and enterprising wing of my life. I have met an amazing woman, who cheers me on and together we have birthed our biggest challenge and fulfilment ~ Pearls, Heels n Dreams.



I thought I would be on the path to this by now .....

I read the words my “ lil sis “ had typed out and I realized that a few weeks ago I had never thought I would smile again , embrace life and become passionate about my dreams. I was in a dreary place that had me doubting myself and doubting if this was really GOD’s plan for my life. Today though I smiled from inside me because I have grown. It’s a genuine smile, full of promise, a hint of a laugh and the eyes of a wiser woman.  I wish I could document how I did it but it is purely and simply GOD being GOD.I guess it’s true, empty hands catch more.



Empty hands catch more ....

When I could finally bring myself to say it and accept it , I said it, “I’m single “. It sounded alien and weird and almost like a foreign word. It was easy to say but to assimilate the changes in my life and live them has been a different story in itself. You know some people are built for love .We love being in love and loving .We live it and give it everything inside us .We are in our fullest element when we are part of a pair .It’s a beautiful characteristic to have but I urge you to understand who you are outside of the blissful world of “us”. It becomes easy to lose your identity and lean on the other person to define you and this is a burden no person must ever lay at the feet of a person you say you love.


I learnt to be responsible. To account for my actions and emotions .To take stock of how I contributed to the picture perfect romance. It always takes two to tango and stepping back and looking in I see the cracks now better than when I was inside. I see the pressure I placed to be loved and accepted even when I had no clue what it is that defined me. I see now how I drained and depleted the love because I came into the relationship thirsty wanting to be filled when he only came a man choosing to overlook my flaws and try to love me.I have learnt to separate it all out neatly and unpack each characteristic I displayed and have chosen to learn.Paula White aptly says it in her ,"Deal with It !"




I choose to learn ....

I thought I would crumble and those closest to me held their breaths in tentative anticipation and hope that I went back to my same old self. I’m back yes but a different woman. Learning to be confident in my emotions, learning to embrace life and learning to love me first before I can love another. I’m glad anger did not turn to bitterness because that would have robbed me of my essence. I’m glad now that when I smile ,it shows in my eyes ,it shows in the glow in my skin that I am now all I am set to be .I could never have found me without losing what I called my constant. I realize now that GOD is the constant and I am a woman with a big heart, excited about life, forgiving, happy and responsible for who I choose to love.



Hello new chapter .....

So yes I’m smiling again and it’s refreshing to know that I own that feeling .I've learnt to be kinder to myself .From here on out I may want him but I won’t need him .Let’s see how that chapter folds out….




My "sister girl " ~ India Arie

 

“I've searched for romance
Flowers and affection
What I found is a lesson
Of what love really is
Found the game of love is
Not about how much you can take
In fact authentic love is about
How much you can give
And I wanna let you know how much you changed my life
I wanna let you know you taught me how to fly
And I wrote this song to tell you this
I'm better coz you taught me how to give “
~
India Arie ~ Wings of Forgiveness

 

 

 



She sang me "through it " ~ Ledisi

 

“So when you look at my face
 You gotta know that I'm made of everything love and pain
 (These are the pieces of me)
 Like every woman I know
 I'm complicated fo sho
 But when I love I love til there's no love no more
 (These are the pieces of me) “
~
Pieces of Me ~ Ledisi

 

And then doubt came home

You left me doubting myself and questioning
Asking myself if I am the woman that I had proclaimed to be
Asking if I am all the strength that is inside of me
Asking if this is where I want to be
You left me doubting if I was not just a spot on a clean shirt of your day
Doubt set in and all that was left is a cold me wondering

 

 

You left me shying away and thawing my enthusiasm
Left me feeling deflated and without life
Willing myself to crawl into my bed and shut out the world
You kicked my heart when you acted like I am a distraction
When you side stepped my actions and chose to focus on what you wanted
You left me doubting each word you said by one simple action

 

 

Sometimes I wondered if maybe I asked for too much
If maybe I was not as strong as I think I was; if maybe this was not what you wanted
I understand days are not the same; neither do they sing the same song
I always thought the one thing that would never change was you; us and forever
My mind is filled with maybes; some days thinking and rationalising
Stepping back and protecting my heart; running away because I was soon left with nothing
You left me turning from joy to fear
The saddest part is you didn't even know it

 

 

Doubt; doubts
Me telling me; “Chin up girl, we got a lot going for us “
The glue coming unstuck; the pages falling out; the wind rattling
Bringing in the cold and leaving a million leaves of unanswered questions
One action and a thousand pieces
And I was left with it; slowly building the doubts
Down came the tumbling blocks and we are over
There is you and here is me
How bitter and twisted it all seems

 

 

 

 

I wish I had list for every time I stopped to wonder
A myriad collection of emotions anger, pain, fear and doubt
Let me learn to paint the color back into my life
Let me learn the things you asked me to unlearn because you would be there
Let me throw on my Superwoman cape and get back to the me I was before ….you
Opening Pandora boxes I never knew I had within me
Looking at myself and trying to recognize the me I am now
Wondering if your life is upside down as is mine right now
Allow me to doubt that it ever happened
Allow me to tell myself that it was all the result of a sweet slumber
Allow me to believe your existence never existed

 

 

I got off the train, the journey changed and we were headed to different places.
I titter on the desire to see you and see sadness and pain in your eyes
Then I wonder if I may see happiness instead
I always gifted you happiness how ironic that now I wish I had not
So I stand on the outside looking in thinking
How life can simply change
How I wonder how I handed over this life to you and now I have nothing

 

 

 

I take responsibility for where I am now, for how I feel now
Erasing your existence in everything and praying my heart forgets you
Praying tomorrow I wake up and feel nothing
This part of the chronicles is one I wish I could sleep through
Waking up to me again but I know the old me will never live
It’s time I met the new me, promising myself to never hand over it all on a platter
But deep inside knowing I’m a sucker for love

 

I bid my walls to come up , bid my bruised and battered heart into an ice cold place
Dim the fire in my eyes and bear no desire to become an US – not anytime soon
I gift you eternal happiness
Lessons learnt, praise given and dreams and doors you opened
I walk away
I doubt I will ever be the me I was with you .....thank you all the same

 

 

 

Letter to Mini-Me - Don't flirt with stupidity

Dear Mini- Me


No matter what life presents in front of you, never flirt with stupidity. I’m kicking myself right now and I deeply hope you never go through this feeling.You know that feeling when you want to smack yourself and be life wait I knew this was coming but I chose to turn a blind eye. Yes those moments that have you wondering at what point you lost your common sense. So life has this weird way of presenting itself like a roller coaster ride , the difference however is in this regard instead of mentally preparing yourself for the dips and turns – life happens and you can find yourself either high or low.


So this dance with stupidity , it starts quite early on in life .It’s that simple decision between going right or left , accepting that cigarette or not ; sneaking out of our mother’s house for a night out on the town or not. Stupidity presents itself as the fun, go for it feeling. Being your mother’s child I know you will go through a tug of war of emotions and even if you chose to crazy path , I warn you guilt will rob you of the enjoying the experience . You will probably be the girl sitting in the corner, looking quite glum and not enjoying the moment that everyone else seems to be embracing. I speak from experience.

You would think that the fateful dance with this idea of living on the edge with no wings would be replaced with common sense but no: it continues. It unfolds and will be a silent menace in your life. I wish there was always a simpler way to make a decision besides having this internal good vs evil battle. That being said I doubt we would develop or change as humans if we did not choose and live by the consequences of our actions. You see I have a lot of things I am very proud of and an equal amount of things I wish to never repeat even to you Mini. To be or not to be is always the question.



I wish I could mark out the path you are to follow but then that would rob you of the whole rush of life. Stupidity will move you to date that “one guy “everyone tells you not too. The darker the berry the sweeter the juice. The more forbidden the prize, the more enticing the allure. You see you will never make sense of why everyone is telling you to stay away from this one guy, the one guy you are sure is your Prince Charming. The perfect man, the one you have been waiting for your whole life. A little wakeup call Mini, he is a nothing but a guy in tin foil. It will never make sense on why you would go for him but you will and when it all falls apart I can bet you half the people who told you not too will be tempted to say ,: “ We told you so “.

If you ever go through a phase where you want to be a rebel ( I will beat the rebel out of you ) ask yourself what truth you are fighting ? Sometimes it feels to change your focus on the important things and break the ceiling of your reality and try and become everything that you not. It becomes a mission, a sole purpose that will push you away from yourself and try to open you up to a whole new world. Let me be honest , there is no new world , the freedom or rebellion your desire is merely an escape from a reality that should be embraced no matter how warped and senseless it seems to anyone else. You will make mistakes, you will fall and hurt your personal ego but in the end you are only human. Navigating through life the best way you have come to understand how. No matter how broken it all seems never give yourself over to stupidity. It’s more draining than when you choose to stand by reality.

I just flirted with stupidity and trust me Mini, it’s not worth it. Lesson learnt, the darker the fruit , the further I am going to be from it. You are your mother’s daughter – count it all worth the lesson but one never to be repeated.

Don't flirt with stupidity ....

Love



Mum xox