Monday, November 9, 2009

Walking in the Desert


So what do you think if a guy trusts you enough to give you his account number ,log in details etc and all those details after knowing you for about 4 weeks? Is this some test of trust of faith ? Hell everybody knows women love to snoop it’s as in built as breathing .Argggh what is this game and who the hell changed the rules ? Can’t you just like someone and they like you back and you just date ?

Maybe I’m paranoid.

Somebody help me I don’t get this guy and I hate not understanding a guy .I am at a point where I have pushed it all under a carpet of my emotions .I can’t stand this not knowing kuti what does a person wants so my remedy ignore any feeling or thought but that’s kind of hard when they sms you at least twice a day and phone you the day you decide you will forget them.
Okay so you may remember how I was a happy go lucky love and romance exists embrace it kind of person .Well I’ve changed I’m a skeptic and am barricading myself and my heart with a GREAT ZIMBABWE WALL .

I understand waiting ,thank you LORD for Ruth ,for Rebecca, for Esther but somebody tell me which one am I? Lol . But if somebody says to me again ,” Wait in the field like Ruth and Boaz will manifest “ ,I’ll scream ,I don’t even think I’d date a guy called Boaz...

Forgive me for kind of venting but I have not lost faith I have just gotten a bit tired and nonchalant about this. I love GOD and HE knows that ,I believe in the words of the Prophet and I’m not letting go of his words till they happen but right now I’m walking in a desert and am getting looking around me and seeing nothing.

Thank you LORD for faith. However right now I am in this barren desert that has no manifestation or semblance of life and somehow I am wondering how I am supposed to live here and prosper ? My mind is doing backflips here do I stand or depart and move on ? Okay so there is Kenya (the country) and more than ever I am ready to explore and go forth and live there for a year or more .I’m not holding GOD at ransom no but this last month of the year is like the drawing to the end of a chapter in my life and I need to define who I am and what I am going to do.

I have never given up on GOD because now more than ever I understand who HE is but begrudgingly I feel like a child deprived of a toy. I am not throwing a tantrum but like JOB ,I ask am I not good enough ? am I not worth it ? am I not ready ? What is it that I need to fix about myself ?

I was told to spend time and pray I did it because more than anything I got to know YOU ,GOD as my rest ,peace, joy, smile and hope. I learnt yesterday that knowing you is being intimate and being an excited child in HIS Presence .I feel like a child that went to school and got pushed around in the playground and fell and scrapped her knee .I come home and I blame DADDY for not teaching me to fight and be strong but in HIS arms HE holds me and tells ME it’ll be okay in an all knowing smile.

It’ll be okay .I’m walking in the desert and there is a cloud over me during the day to shield the harsh ,brutal sun and at night a warm fire that covers me and reminds me that this BIG WORD has got nothing on MY GOD.

I’m holding on with all the faith I have because YOU asked me to call you FAITHFUL. Selah it’ll be okay because HE said HE knew the plans HE had for my life and it’s all about goodness and joy. Jeremiah 29 vs 11.

(With tears in my eyes I know I’ll be okay).

Love you Daddy...

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I will not eat half baked pie...

Oh here we go again the rollercoster of emotions ,the missed heartbeats ,the long stares across the room.
Oh yes there is a man ,in my life ,well not necessarily but kinda ,honestly I don't know. Maybe I allow men to use as a phantom girlfriend and when they are healed and whole they wander off again. To be this perfect man I have tirelessly scupltured.
(Kinda sounds vain and on the edge of losing it lol) .
Okay so this guy I've known him for about 4 weeks now .He's confident ,funny,ambitious ,sweet and well kinda gets my blood pumping .He is nothing like the usual guys I fall for not tall at all but in him I have seen what would make me tick . He's spontaneous .

Now help me here people but he hasn't said a word and I refuse to walk down the path of O;D etc....I refuse to go through that nonsense again and probably because of this mental fear I have .I have built Great Zimbabwe around my heart .He is a typical Zim guy with that Zimbo swagger that makes you wonder what makes him think he's all that. He is succssful for his age and the past few weeks our routine has fallen into that of a couple .Asking each other how our day was ;continuing conversations that no one else will get and those stares and secret smiles across the room .His eyes just speak volumes and at the moment I can't think of spending time with any guy with him in the background .I'm a very affectionate person and love giving hugs and he gives hugs without a blink ,he's a gentleman .

But in the midst of it all I won't open myself up to fall in love with nothing .I'm tired of that old record and it's over played .Maybe I'm the problem ,so for the whole day I've been picking up my phone and wondering if I should call him . He randomly said if I ever thought there was anything between us I should ask him ,because he is an upfront kinda guy ,well hell no will I ask.

I don't know what will happen but all I know is that when I am with him I am happy,smile and kinda content.

Regardless of it all I wil not eat half baked pie...